my vag is so smooth its legendary
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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