Your tits are I can't wait for
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm like, not good at living.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
