Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
