He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
