As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
