Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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