he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
she peed on how many people?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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