That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Randomize
