I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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