My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
