I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I just found puke in my bra..
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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