My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
