Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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