she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
