Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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