I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
