i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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