My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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