I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
