Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
