I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
