no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize