He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
