When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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