I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize