After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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