Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
