4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
