I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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