i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
