i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
