why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
