I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
