I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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