I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
