dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
