I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
