i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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