I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
