I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
