She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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