So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
