I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
