I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
