if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
