anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize