I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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