I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
