If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
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