jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
