my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
