I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
