don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
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