so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
