I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
