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• (860): View more from Connecticut

  So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

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• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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• (954): View more from Florida

  My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him

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• (512): View more from Texas

  Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay

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• (815): View more from Illinois

  But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.

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• (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.

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• (817): View more from Texas

  I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.

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• (772): View more from Florida

  Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish

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• (732): View more from New Jersey

  While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You said you were "testing the product for Chris."

  (848): View more from New Jersey

  I'm a bad man.

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• (270): View more from Kentucky

  I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.

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• (734): View more from Michigan

  If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear

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• (304): View more from West Virginia

  Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.

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• (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea

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• (703): View more from Virginia

  i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house

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• (903): View more from Texas

  I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.

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