I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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